An end and a beginning

Ok. I packed up the scale and hid it in the recesses of a closet. I stopped counting calories and stepped away from the mirror. And I'm no longer calling myself raw.

New eating mantra: Don't eat crap.

What started out as a healthy lifestyle change turned into an obsession with food. I did my research before we started, read quite a few books. If I had them with me, I would pull out some reference quotes, but one claim that kept coming up was effortless weight loss and management. Now, I'm not overweight and I'm lucky enough to have never been overweight, but I've got a woman's body with hips and thighs and a belly and breasts when I so enviously lust after the figure of the small boned and the androgynous, tiny and curveless. I can be so self-deprecating, saying things like, "If I'm wearing the small, what the hell are people who are actually small wearing?" So all this talk about losing weight appealed to me (and my slightly self-destructive side).

But I didn't lose weight without watching calories, and when I did start to watch calories, I was grumpy and hungry, a general pain in Madeline's ass, all for about 3 pounds over a couple months. And the cravings. I was in a constant daydream about pizza, burgers, fries, falafel,... vegan or not, I wanted it all. There were good days and good raw meals, but when I gave 80/10/10 a go, that kind of broke me.

Throughout this, though, working out has been a solace. I feel strong when I'm hiking, cleansed after a run. I finally made it to the community yoga class this week, and it kind of kicked my butt and I was so sore the next day, but in a good way. I'm excited to increase my mileage each week, and I'm excited to increase my endurance. I'm going to keep working out, keep moving everyday, in the pursuit of strength. I'm going to stop comparing myself to others and find my own strength.

So I've abandoned my raw journey and going back to being vegan, albeit a vegan who eats a lot of fruit and vegetables (imagine that!). No junk, no preservatives, no artificial flavors, just real, whole foods. Don't eat crap.

The story could end there, but that's actually where things got interesting. If you've read the blog of a length of time, you may recall that I. Love. Bread. Specifically, a good french loaf, but anything soft and starchy will do. So the first thing we added back into our diets were whole-grain sprouted tortillas and then bagels.

My body freaked the fuck out.

I was crampy and constipated. That lovely complexion I had cultivated during my raw days was marred by deep and painful cystic pimples on my chin and a weird, spotty rash that spread across my chest and upper back. The rash thing happened to me once before a couple years back and lasted for almost six months, during which I reconfigured my entire wardrobe around very high necklines. I was miserable and wondered if I'd ruined my ability to eat cooked food forever. But it occurred to me that I had incidentally been gluten-free for the past few months, and maybe that was the problem. I'm unable to verify this with a doctor, as I don't currently have health insurance, and you have to ingest gluten for a couple months for a blood test to be viable, but I substituted my bread products for gluten free varieties about a week ago, and my skin has almost completely cleared. So who knew? All these years and all the money I've spent on unsuccessful acne treatments, maybe all along I've had an undiagnosed gluten-intolerance. I'm still kind of pouty at my lack of french bread and eating out as a gluten-free vegan seems next to impossible, but I've had surprisingly few cravings since adding more cooked foods to my diet. So far so good.

I'm not sure if I'm going to keep blogging. I don't want to talk about food anymore, because I'm tired of thinking about it. Maybe I'll use it as an all-purpose blog, document my knitting as I had intended a while back. I'm not sure yet.

-Eloise

Day 133

Man, it's so easy to let blogless days slide by. My camera is on its way home to me, though. I find it so much easier to post with pictures to anchor my thoughts.

Raw and I have reached an understanding. We are going to co-exist in a way that makes us both happy. To be honest, with the zeal of a new convert, I pushed myself to be too raw, too hard, too fast, and I was unhappy. After giving strict 80/10/10 a go, I found myself incredibly unsatisfied and unhealthily obsessed with food. It's all I was thinking of, what I was going to eat and what I couldn't eat. Every night as I fell asleep, I was having intense cravings for non-vegan foods that I haven't eaten in years, even things I'd never in my life considered eating. I didn't want to be raw anymore. I barely even wanted to be vegan.

So here are my compromises. I'm sticking with the low fat framework, keeping the percentage of my calories that come from fat each day to 10-12%. I'm eating all fruit and veggies throughout the day. At the moment, I just can't stand to eat a salad, so I'm not pushing it. Instead, I'm getting my greens in smoothies and I've been making wraps for dinner using sprouted grain tortillas from Food for Life. That little bit of bread is making all the difference in the world. To mix it up, I've been experimenting with different dressings. My current favorite was found here, which I'm going to post with my minor mods:

Liquid Gold

1/2 c olive oil

1/2 c water

1/3 c lemon juice

2 Tbsp balsamic vinegar

1/4 c Nama Shoyu

1/2 c Nutritional Yeast

2 tsp Dijon Mustard

1 tsp ground cumin

Shake in a mason jar to mix. Dressing can be kept in a jar with a lid, refrigerated for 2 weeks. Makes 2 cups.

I am loving this stuff.

Other stuff I am loving includes My Daily Plate over at Livestrong.com. Like the cron-o-meter, it can be used to track calories and nutrients, but it's so much more. It can also track exercise, determine your optimal calorie intake based on your goals and includes more packaged food. The abundance of advertising is rather annoying, but being able to log into any computer to track my day is really convenient. Right now, I have my goal set to lose 1.5lbs per week, which for me means that I can take a day off each week to forgo keeping track and let myself indulge a bit without entirely derailing. It's been really great so far and I've already started dropping some of those last few vanity pounds. I sound like an ad for the damn thing, but I'm excited and I wish I'd found it sooner!

-Eloise

Day 113

It was pointed out to me that I've been talking about 80/10/10 a lot lately, but never actually explained what it is. I know that not everyone around here is raw, so here's a brief rundown.

80/10/10, or 811, is a method of raw veganism in which 80% of your calories come from carbs, 10% from protein and 10% from fat. It's basically eating a low fat raw vegan diet, as opposed to high fat and nut heavy. It's based on this book by Dr Doug Graham. He advocates that most of your diet should consist of fruit, that it's our natural, biological diet, and we should eat it in simple combinations of 2-3 items at most at a time. Mono-meals, an abundance of one fruit, is best and least taxing for the digestive system.

811 is not a low calorie diet and highly encourages exercise. To get the necessary nutrients, it's important to eat around 2000 calories a day and then exercise to burn off about 500 calories. This is a lot of fruit, and I'm actually having trouble eating as much as I should. I just get distracted and forget to eat.

To give you an idea of how my days have been going, this is what I ate yesterday:

7 bananas
3 oranges
1 pear
1.5 cups cherry tomatoes
3 cups spinach
2 cups mango
1 cup papaya
1 oz cashews

It wasn't a great day for me. I only ate 1497 cals, which is way too low. My ratios were decent, though: 84/6/11. I'm using the CRON-o-meter to help track my intake, which is really helpful. Today has been better so far:

5 cups watermelon
3 pints of strawberries
4 bananas
4 dates
3 pears
1 papaya

I'm going to eat a two ears of corn, which will bring me to 2096 and 89/5/6. Corn is crazy high in calories. No wonder why they give it to animals instead of grass to fatten them up. My day was much better on the cals, but I need to work on getting my protein up a bit higher.

I've been hanging out a lot lately at 30 Bananas a Day, which is a great place to be if you have questions or need support in 811. Eating this way makes a lot more sense to me than using cups of nuts in each meal. I feel good so far.

-Eloise

Day 111

Yesterday, the back of my living room looked like this:

Today, it looks like this:
As an aside, why are cats never attracted to the thing specifically purchased for them, but run right to the new, shiny thing you'd rather not have them sitting on?

So our treadmill is here! We paid extra to have it delivered and set up, which was totally worth it. First of all, we're on the fourth floor and this thing weighs more than both Mad and I combined. Also, assembling Ikea furniture typically results in us not on speaking terms for a good couple hours. I guarantee if we tried to put this thing together, this would be an entirely different post.

Now we have no excuses left for not exercising and one very big and expensive reason why we should. Also, when you think about it, in the long term, we'll be saving money by not buying exercise apparel. I'm totally running in a sports bra and sneakers. Maybe undies. We'll see. I'm heading out shortly to get fitted for some new running shoes, and tomorrow starts day one of couch to 5k. I'm still going to the park to hike every other morning. Outside is good.

I haven't been posting a lot about food lately, cause honestly, it's boring. Madeline and I are doing 80/10/10, which is really amazing so far. It really makes sense with what I've thought all along: nuts are way too high in fat and calories, and getting into shape is not going to happen on a high fat diet. Even if it is raw. So mostly we eat fruit. Today so far, I've had 1/2 lb of strawberries and 9 peaches. I'm going to grab a bag of grapes to take with me on my way out. I'll make big salads for us tonight for dinner. Nothing really blog worthy.

I was just emailed some more pics from graduation, so here's one more that I love of Madeline, myself and my best friend, J:

-Eloise

Day 100

One of many, many salads

100 days! The days seemed to creep by so slowly in the beginning, but holy crap! 100 days now seems like nothing.

You know, I really thought that this raw thing was going to be a piece of (figurative) cake. Eat fruits and veggies, feel great, drop those 10 lbs, easy peasy. After more than three months, though, I'm not where I want to be. After graduation, though, I am recommitting myself to starting over, to eating better and exercising more. To taking care of myself. That's always the first thing I let slide when I get stressed out, and I can only imagine that grad school is not going to get any easier. I stopped weighing myself a couple weeks back, because I wasn't making any progress and it was occupying too much of my mind.

I think that the most difficult thing has been trying to break the habit of using food as emotional comfort. I suppose this is hardly a revelation, nor is it uncommon by any means, but I have the uncanny ability to make even raw food unhealthy (did you know that dates stuffed with cacao nibs taste like an inside out Raisinet? And whereas Madeline will eat half of one and enjoy it, I will eat four and feel guilty).

There has been a really interesting shift going on in both our diets, though. We're eating far fewer nuts, much less oil and way more fruit. The few nut heavy recipes I've made over the past few weeks, even the things we used to heartily enjoy, like walnut pate, leave us feeling sluggish and heavy. I haven't posted any recipes recently because in addition to being too busy to prepare anything interesting, we're eating primarily whole fruits and vegetable, nothing revolutionary.

So here's the plan: I bought The 80/10/10 Diet, which I am going to read. I've had it for a few weeks, but I think I've been scared to find reasons to want to change my diet further. I've also been really annoyed with the junk science in some of the raw books I've read previously, so I hope that this will be different.

We also purchased a treadmill, which was an incredibly huge investment. Scarily huge. I've been reading everything I can find about treadmills, and a lot of lower end models are good for walking, but don't have the structural integrity to withstand running, which is what Mad and I both want to do. So we went with a more expensive model that will hopefully last us for a long, long time. Once it arrives, I am going to start working on Couch to 5k, which is something I've wanted to do for a while.

This has been good. And it will get better.

-Eloise

Day 66

Wake up, lazy butt!

I have come to find that preparation is the key to eating raw (and I'm sure in some sense, this is applicable to healthy eating in general). If I come home at night and intend to make dinner, my options are limited. If we're lucky, there's leftovers. If not, well, it's salad with a vinaigrette. Not bad, but not really satisfying.

If I've planned ahead since the morning, though, I have nuts and seeds soaking and my options are much more varied. If I thought about it the day before, I can have something dehydrating and waiting for us. That's the best. It's like having a slow cooker (but raw!).

My friends tease me about my Mary Poppins-like purse that I carry, and admit that it gets ridiculous (three calculators... I may be an engineer, but even I don't know why there are three calculators in my bag), but there's always a snack stuck in there. There's nothing more disheartening than being stuck in traffic, hungry, and surrounded by inedible food. Being a vegan did prepare me for the phenomenon of scarcity in abundance, but at least we could still keep our eyes peeled for the Taco Bell on the horizon. A grocery store is our best option now, but it's never a sure bet. So keeping a snack on hand is really the only way to go.

Madeline and I have both found that throughout the day, we almost exclusively eat fruits and vegetables. I also drink lot of green smoothies, although she's not really a fan. Sometimes I'll include granola in my lunch tin, but today, for instance, I brought an extra quart of green smoothie in an insulated bag (which, I might add, fits inside my giant bag). It's going to be a long day at school for me. When we get home, we like to sit down to something hearty and flavorful.

Yesterday, I made flax crackers from The Renegade Health Show (my only variation was to throw in a little garlic powder... everything is better with garlic) and they finished dehydrating this morning. Since our dehydrator was a refurbished model, we didn't get a timer, which would have been helpful, but I remedied the situation with a $10 light timer. It worked like a charm. I flipped the crackers last night before I went to bed, set the timer for six more hours and in the morning when I woke up, the dehydrator was off and the crackers were done. I'm pleased.

By the way, if you're making the cracker recipe and you're like me, you haven't watched the video (something about cooking shows, I just don't have the patience). I was kind of confused what to do with the flax seeds after soaking them. It tells you to include the tomato soak water, but not a word about the flax water. Was I supposed to drain them? Regardless, I trudged ahead blindly, assuming that I'd eventually figure it out, and lo and behold. After soak for a half an hour, there's no soak water left. Instead you have plumper, slimier flax seeds. So that solved that.

I'm pretty sure they're going to be great. I haven't gotten a full taste yet, but I nicked a sample this morning when checking to see if they were crisp (from the corner that was missing, I strongly suspect that Madeline did as well). We'll eat them smeared with egg-less salad (scroll down) from Awesome Foods (we don't buy many packaged foods these days, but it's just phenomenal) and a huge salad on the side.

-Eloise

Day Five

Okay. Let's chalk up aforementioned "detox" symptoms as not eating. Which I highly do not recommend.

I feel really good today. I've gotten into a bit of a routine these past couple days that seems to be working well:

• Breakfast: fresh fruit, usually a couple bananas as they're easiest to eat on my way out the door
• Lunch: Large salad with lots of greens, some walnuts on top and some homemade dressing to dip on the side. The nuts really seem to make the difference between being satisfied and not. I have office hours from 11-1 every day I'm at school, so it gives me a chance to actually sit down and eat
• Afternoon snack: fresh fruit usually consumed while walking across campus
• Dinner: Large salad with avocado, guacamole if time permits
• Dessert: A couple of squares of dark chocolate. This is not raw, but I definitely look forward to it.

Another non-raw indulgence I'm holding onto for the time being is tea. Actually, I don't know that I'll ever want to give it up. I don't drink a lot by most standards, I think, but I'm really attached to my green tea in the morning and my peppermint tea at night. I try to consume it an hour away, either before or after, from eating my raw foods.

I'm sure that being so busy and out of the house for so many hours of the day is making this much easier than if I had all the time in the world to think about food. Madeline has been on a short business trip (she gets home late tonight), and I'm curious to see how she's done out in the real world.

-Eloise