Now with 90% more knitting!

So my blog has felt completely unmoored by the lack of raw foodism going on around here, which is good for me, but leaves little writing fodder. And as it turns out, I like to write.

I am, however, a girl of obsession - if not food, then school or another project- and my longest running obsession has been my aforementioned knitting habit. I love to the think about projects and yarn, pairings of color and construction details. I rarely work from patterns, preferring to sit down with a tape measure, a calculator , graph paper and my trusty copy of Vogue Knitting to calculate the things in my head. My favorite phase of knitting comes prior to picking up the needles, that breathy anticipation of possibility. I am the seemingly rare monogamous knitting who works on one project straight through to completion.

This summer has been particularly fruitful (ha! fruitful. I slay me.) in the knits. I've cranked out a half dozen kerchief scarves since spring, which are my favorite accessory. I have also knit 1.5 sweaters. Although it feels more like three or four, since the 2nd sweater has been frogged twice at near completion due to some serious shaping flaws. And I have this cardigan that's been flowering in my head all afternoon.

It ebbs and flows. Last week I was feeling very stagnant, frustrated with the constant frogging-and-reknitting that my current project seemed to require, but today I feel excited and energized. So much so that I logged into blog about my love of knitting.

It's an odd coincidence, then, that as soon as I logged in, the first post to appear on my blog reading list was Jacey's latest podcast over at Insubordiknit. I have a crazy knitter crush on Jacey (ask Madeline, who was roped into my game of 'Let's see if we can meet her' at this past year's Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival- we did, as documented here), and her podcast is so smart and funny, but this one is particularly special, to me anyway. In it, she tells my story.

I haven't listened to it yet, although I will as soon as I get home. I'm excited! And nervous! It's not a story I tell often. The whole Christian-girl-turned-mental-patient-to-finally-become-gay-and-happy is too convoluted for cocktail parties (or the open bar nights I'm more likely to attend), and there's a lot of raw emotion still associated with it. As far as most of the people in my life are concerned, I am distant kin to Athena, mortal (not goddess) sprung forth fully formed at 19 without a past and moving only forward. It's comfortable that way. But everyone has a story, and this one is mine. Maybe you can relate. And maybe it will facilitate understanding. Or maybe you'll be entertained.

So go listen!

-Eloise

P.S. Ever important yarn details: both knits pictured are small generic triangle shawls made from the following yarns:

1. Drops Alpaca and Bijou Basin 50/50 Yak Down/Fine Wool trimmed with Koigu
2. Noro Silk Garden Sock with picot bind-off

There would be more pictures of many more kerchiefs, but my camera is being repaired by Canon. Again.

An end and a beginning

Ok. I packed up the scale and hid it in the recesses of a closet. I stopped counting calories and stepped away from the mirror. And I'm no longer calling myself raw.

New eating mantra: Don't eat crap.

What started out as a healthy lifestyle change turned into an obsession with food. I did my research before we started, read quite a few books. If I had them with me, I would pull out some reference quotes, but one claim that kept coming up was effortless weight loss and management. Now, I'm not overweight and I'm lucky enough to have never been overweight, but I've got a woman's body with hips and thighs and a belly and breasts when I so enviously lust after the figure of the small boned and the androgynous, tiny and curveless. I can be so self-deprecating, saying things like, "If I'm wearing the small, what the hell are people who are actually small wearing?" So all this talk about losing weight appealed to me (and my slightly self-destructive side).

But I didn't lose weight without watching calories, and when I did start to watch calories, I was grumpy and hungry, a general pain in Madeline's ass, all for about 3 pounds over a couple months. And the cravings. I was in a constant daydream about pizza, burgers, fries, falafel,... vegan or not, I wanted it all. There were good days and good raw meals, but when I gave 80/10/10 a go, that kind of broke me.

Throughout this, though, working out has been a solace. I feel strong when I'm hiking, cleansed after a run. I finally made it to the community yoga class this week, and it kind of kicked my butt and I was so sore the next day, but in a good way. I'm excited to increase my mileage each week, and I'm excited to increase my endurance. I'm going to keep working out, keep moving everyday, in the pursuit of strength. I'm going to stop comparing myself to others and find my own strength.

So I've abandoned my raw journey and going back to being vegan, albeit a vegan who eats a lot of fruit and vegetables (imagine that!). No junk, no preservatives, no artificial flavors, just real, whole foods. Don't eat crap.

The story could end there, but that's actually where things got interesting. If you've read the blog of a length of time, you may recall that I. Love. Bread. Specifically, a good french loaf, but anything soft and starchy will do. So the first thing we added back into our diets were whole-grain sprouted tortillas and then bagels.

My body freaked the fuck out.

I was crampy and constipated. That lovely complexion I had cultivated during my raw days was marred by deep and painful cystic pimples on my chin and a weird, spotty rash that spread across my chest and upper back. The rash thing happened to me once before a couple years back and lasted for almost six months, during which I reconfigured my entire wardrobe around very high necklines. I was miserable and wondered if I'd ruined my ability to eat cooked food forever. But it occurred to me that I had incidentally been gluten-free for the past few months, and maybe that was the problem. I'm unable to verify this with a doctor, as I don't currently have health insurance, and you have to ingest gluten for a couple months for a blood test to be viable, but I substituted my bread products for gluten free varieties about a week ago, and my skin has almost completely cleared. So who knew? All these years and all the money I've spent on unsuccessful acne treatments, maybe all along I've had an undiagnosed gluten-intolerance. I'm still kind of pouty at my lack of french bread and eating out as a gluten-free vegan seems next to impossible, but I've had surprisingly few cravings since adding more cooked foods to my diet. So far so good.

I'm not sure if I'm going to keep blogging. I don't want to talk about food anymore, because I'm tired of thinking about it. Maybe I'll use it as an all-purpose blog, document my knitting as I had intended a while back. I'm not sure yet.

-Eloise

Day 122

Four months raw!

My (three-month old) camera had to be sent out to be repaired, so it's going to be cellphone pics or bust around here for the next couple weeks.

Yesterday was the close to the epitome of an idyllic summer day for me. I slept in until 9, cleaned out a closet and hauled out three garbage bags of junk, exercised on the treadmill and then showered all before noon. In the afternoon, I brought a blanket, a book, my knitting and quart of farmer's market strawberries outside and relaxed under a tree in the grass behind by building for a few hours. The perfect mix of getting stuff done and doing nothing.

There are two things that I struggle with that have made this last month of going raw less fulfilling for me than the previous ones: I wind up running the other way when confronted with dogma, and I want to be perfect. These are not new issues, and I know they both stem from getting kicked out of my church when I was a teenager. Being barred from the community that I had devoted myself to makes me question everything, and I cannot accept that there is only one way to live, that any human being has all the answers. However, not wanting to adhere to the rules is in direct competition with my need to prove my worth, to be the best at whatever I attempt.

I've been pushing myself to be more and more raw, more "pure." One by one, I cut out nuts, oils, spices, salt. I've been eating just fruit and veggies. I've felt pretty good physically, but mentally, it's been agonizing. I was craving cooked foods hardcore, and I would have given my right arm for savory. So two nights ago, I made a salad dressing: lemon juice, tahini, maple syrup, ginger, garlic and Nama Shoyu. 1/8 cup of that on a huge salad of spinach, cukes, peppers, basil and tomatoes and all was right in my world again.

I think that happiness is equally important as health, and if I had to choose one over the other, I'd rather be 100% happy than 100% healthy. And I don't necessarily think that cooked food = inherently unhealthy. I've had to step back from some of the raw communities I've been participating in, because sometimes the spiritualism and moralism associated with eating raw can be too much for me. Eating raw does not make me a better person. It does not foster compassion and kindness. It does not bring me closer to God. It's just a way of eating. I'm giving myself permission to step back, to enjoy food and preparing meals again. Still raw for now, keeping the fat around 10-15% of my total calories. But I'm making salad dressing.

I feel like this is a common theme in my blog, perpetual quandaries about what I should be doing versus what I want to be doing, making choices based on other people's perceptions versus making choices for myself. So many of the other raw blogs I read are so happy all the time, jiving with the universe and perfectly content with their raw lives. Part of me thinks that people just aren't talking about what a challenge it can be. I have days where I'm blissfully happy, and if I only blogged on those days, it would be a very skewed picture. Actually, I think I need to blog more when I'm happy, because I typically am. I don't think my blog accurately reflects that.

But other days are difficult. Even now, I feel a degree of guilt about taking a step back, that I haven't lived up to the standards I've set for myself, that I'm not trying hard enough. And maybe other bloggers are perfectly content. I don't know. But tomorrow is my girlfriend's birthday, and I'm going to take her out for a not-raw breakfast when she's off from work on Wednesday. And I'm going to enjoy myself without guilt. The next day, we're going to a pick-your-own farm for strawberries, and I have a feeling we'll mono-meal on them for the day. And I'll have fun. And that's what counts.

-Eloise

Day 115

My first durian experience was less than wonderful. The smell didn't bother me. The texture, though reminiscent of an omelet, as Madeline put it, was tolerable. But the taste. It had potential, but there was a strong garlicky aftertaste that made me gag. I tried, but I just couldn't do it.

It's been a rough day. With Memorial Day, I had one too many days off in a row. Madeline, of course, still works. I went for a long hike this morning, but I've felt aimless and gloomy all day. The air smells like barbecue, and this is alternately revolting and mouthwatering. I'm not hungry, but neither am I satiated. I feel like I'm not making progress, and instead of persevering, this makes me want to give up.

I know that I'm pmsing. It feels like such a cop-out, but it's like I'm a different person for almost two weeks every month. I lose all my inertia and become so pessimistic about everything. I just looked back in the archives to see the last time I mentioned pms, and it was on April 22nd. So right on time, I suppose. I never did get around to ordering evening primrose oil supplements, but I suppose I should.

I read somewhere that the music your favorite music as a teenager will be your favorite style of music for the rest of your life. I strongly suspect this to be true, since no matter which of my favorite songs or artists I put into Pandora, I seem to come up with the same station. For me, Ani Difranco got me through many of those angsty years, and even now, I always go to her to first. She's so prolific that there's always something that fits my mood. It's like comfort music

These two have been on repeat today:

Present/Infant (full lyrics):

don't let the sellers of stuff power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place

there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face

Evolve (full lyrics):

and i'm becoming transfixed
with nature and my part in it
which i believe just signifies
i'm finally waking up

So what's your comfort music?

-Eloise

Day 112

The current state of the fruit table. Minus the watermelon. I cut that up for dinner.

I want to be a runner. I want to be the type of person who says, "I went on a short five mile run this morning" as if it was no big deal. I want to run a marathon. I want to look good in spandex shorts.

My dad's a runner, and it's something I've always really admired about him. I remember being in 6th grade and getting on the bus at an ungodly hour on a cold winter morning. We were all bundled in parkas with hats and mittens. As the bus rolled down my street, we passed my dad who was heading home from his morning run. In shorts. One of the cool boys on the bus exclaimed, "That's so hardcore! That guy's running in shorts!" And I was so proud to say that was my dad. He's run multiple marathons. He ran the Marine Corp marathon in 1994,the same year as Oprah, and passed her on the course. He doesn't run as much lately, but he's still heavily involved with his local runner's club, helping to organize races.

It's not that I haven't had the opportunity or tried before, but I've never gone about it the right way. I always push myself to go too far too fast in the beginning. So that's my motivation to starting Couch to 5k. It's meant to ease a beginner into running through interval training By the middle of the summer, I should be running a little over three miles regularly. That's the plan, anyway.

Today was day one, and it went well. My running was a respectable pace, and I tried to pay close attention to my form, so I don't set myself up for bad habits later on. I didn't get a stitch in my side and I didn't feel like my lungs were going to burst, all of the hallmarks of my previous running experiences. None of the neighbors pounded on the door because of how loud the treadmill is, which I was kind of afraid of. We talked to them, but you never know. Oh, also, instead of timing myself or watching the distance, I'm using this podcast, which is working out really well.

So here's to being more like my dad! I never, ever thought I would say it, but somehow I am becoming more and more like him every day. I kind of accidentally became an engineer, and now the whole running thing. I suppose there are worse things. I'll just skip the mustache, thanks.

-Eloise

Day 111

Yesterday, the back of my living room looked like this:

Today, it looks like this:
As an aside, why are cats never attracted to the thing specifically purchased for them, but run right to the new, shiny thing you'd rather not have them sitting on?

So our treadmill is here! We paid extra to have it delivered and set up, which was totally worth it. First of all, we're on the fourth floor and this thing weighs more than both Mad and I combined. Also, assembling Ikea furniture typically results in us not on speaking terms for a good couple hours. I guarantee if we tried to put this thing together, this would be an entirely different post.

Now we have no excuses left for not exercising and one very big and expensive reason why we should. Also, when you think about it, in the long term, we'll be saving money by not buying exercise apparel. I'm totally running in a sports bra and sneakers. Maybe undies. We'll see. I'm heading out shortly to get fitted for some new running shoes, and tomorrow starts day one of couch to 5k. I'm still going to the park to hike every other morning. Outside is good.

I haven't been posting a lot about food lately, cause honestly, it's boring. Madeline and I are doing 80/10/10, which is really amazing so far. It really makes sense with what I've thought all along: nuts are way too high in fat and calories, and getting into shape is not going to happen on a high fat diet. Even if it is raw. So mostly we eat fruit. Today so far, I've had 1/2 lb of strawberries and 9 peaches. I'm going to grab a bag of grapes to take with me on my way out. I'll make big salads for us tonight for dinner. Nothing really blog worthy.

I was just emailed some more pics from graduation, so here's one more that I love of Madeline, myself and my best friend, J:

-Eloise

Day 108

With my little brother. So to speak.

It's official! I am officially a college graduate. It's really amazing. I was looking forward to finishing, but the sense of accomplishment that I felt walking across the stage was incredible. I have worked so hard for this. High school was a very difficult time for me, and I barely graduated. For a few years, I worked unfulfilling jobs and really had no purpose. When I made up my mind to go to college, though, it was for me, and I was determined to do my best. I said no to a lot of parties, I forewent nights out to study, and there is a chair in the library that perfectly conforms to my butt from the hours I've spent sitting in it.

Forgive me, then, if I take the moment to revel in my accomplishments. On Friday, there was an award ceremony where I received an award and a complimentary membership to a professional organization in my field. On Sunday, I graduated summa cum laude with a perfect 4.0 cumulative GPA. I was also given an award for the highest scholastic achievement in my school (there are five schools that comprise my university). I was also awarded a research assistantship position and in exchange for 20 hours of research a week, I get complete tuition remission and a stipend.

At the award ceremony with my parents

And I am so excited for grad school. I think before it felt like just a continuation of school, but graduation really helped to frame my undergrad. I'm excited to start with a fresh slate and I'm excited to get into new research and I'm really motivated to work.

Before that, though, I have the whole lovely summer ahead of me. I'll still be working, but my schedule is flexible and I'll have three whole days off, two of which coincide with Madeline's days off. I'll be running, going to park, hiking, painting the apartment, cleaning out all the clutter we've accumulated, and just basically taking time to relax.

I'll be honest, this has not been the raw-est weekend... there may have been some tequila along the way. But I've been reading 80/10/10 and mono-mealing bananas today, and I feel really good about going further with my diet. I'm feeling the raw love again.

-Eloise

Day 105

Nap time, apparently

It's not the best picture, but it definitely made me smile. Yesterday, I walked into the living room and found Madeline and all four of the cats asleep. The first thing I did was get the camera to take a picture. The second thing was to settle onto the end of the couch with a book.

Also. I get it. I've been wondering why I haven't been feeling the raw love lately and why I'm been so emotional. I've been frustrated and upset about things I thought I had moved way beyond, and I've been sabotaging my own efforts at getting healthier. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

As my diet improves and I eat more light and simple meals, I'm also getting rid of one of my main coping mechanisms for suppressing my emotions. I've had so much clarity and insight into myself these past few weeks, but I haven't made the connection to what I've been eating. But come on, that's what emotional eating is, filling an emotional void so we don't have to think about what's really bothering us.

I can see this now. So I'm going to try to work through what I've been going through, try to process it instead of putting it away. This summer is all about me, loving me, taking care of me. It's not selfish, I have to keep telling myself that. I need to take care of myself, and I will be better for it.

-Eloise

Day 103

Garden of weeds

It's getting late in planting season, and I haven't done a thing with my container garden yet, but look what I discovered on the balcony today! It's actually starting to look like a garden again. Other than the chives, I have no idea if anything is of any worth. I didn't think that much of what I planted was perennial. In the pots last year were tomatoes, strawberries, chives and peppers, clockwise from the top left. Anyone have any clue if I might actually be growing fruit and veggies? Or are they weeds?

Herbs? These didn't even sprout last year

I took my last final today, which means I can blog, knit and otherwise procrastinate with a clear conscience. There's no lab work and no studying to be done. I don't think it's completely sunk in yet. I still feel very tense. I think it's more than school work, though. Even when I've had the time, I haven't wanted to go hiking in the past few days. I tricked myself into taking a walk both yesterday and today. Yesterday, I told myself I was going to mail a letter at the mailbox two blocks away. I did, and then I just kept walking through the neighborhood, looking at gardens and letting my mind wander. Today I took out the garbage and just started walking again. For someone who doesn't want to be outside or exercise at the moment, those hour plus walks were certainly cathartic. I felt much better when I got home. Why is it that I resist what I know will make me feel better?

It's a bad habit of mine to focus my anger and frustration on small things and realize much later that it's a bigger issue that's bothering me. I've been trying to be more aware and in tune with what I'm really feeling. If I make myself go outside and walk, sometimes the pieces sort themselves out on their own. As far as I can tell, there are two issues that are bothering me. In the immediate future, my parents are visiting twice this weekend. I love them, but our relationship is strained at best. And that relates to the bigger picture.

The short version is that as I get older, I need my parents less and less. Though I work, they've help to support me through college. I've secured funding for grad school that will largely take care of living expenses, but I may still need their help to some extent. When I start working, though, I won't. My father tries to keep an open mind, but my mother is vehemently against gay marriage and against gay couples raising children, both of which I intend to do within the next decade. This has been underscored by the fact that my cousin got engaged this past week. I am very happy for her, I think that her and her fiance make a great couple, but in contrast I know that the church wedding I dreamed of as a kid is not a reality for me. I've fought fiercely for independence, but the thought of estrangement makes me sad. Completing undergrad is a huge milestone, but it also puts me closer to this. I didn't choose to be gay. It's been almost nine years since I came out, though, and it's unlikely that my mother will change. The way I deal with it is what has to change.

This has nothing to do with being raw, but I think I'm hoping that acknowledging it and putting it out there will keep me from repressing how I feel and coping with emotional eating. Bleh.

Also, I miss Madeline. She's been working such long hours lately. She leaves the house at 6am, before I get up (although I get a kiss when she's on her way out the door), she gets home after nine at night, has enough time to eat dinner and spend time with me briefly before she crashes before 11. Ostensibly she has two days off, but she goes in then, too, if there are things that need to get done. I don't in any way resent the time she spends at work. It's essential to her career, and she needs to establish herself. It's just the way it's going to be for now. I'm just used to spending more time with her, and I feel a little lost at home in the evenings by myself.

Okay. All the negativity goes in this one post. Now we can move on.

-Eloise

Day 88

Five 4.5 pounds of Medjool dates. Mmm.

Madeline called me the other night and asked if I wanted to meet her at work to get dinner. I hesitated for the briefest of moments. After all, we'd used up our self-imposed quota of one cooked meal per month with lunch the week prior. But I had been in the library working on research for the past 6 hours and Mad was going to be at work for 18 hours that day. As soon as she mentioned suishi, I was packing my things and heading out the door.

Dinner was fantastic. There's this amazing Japanese restaurant near her work, in a strip mall of all places. You wouldn't expect it to be so cute until you made it inside. We sat across from each other with a platter full of veggie rolls talking about how are days went. Madeline looked exceedingly sexy in her work clothes- dress slacks and shoes, white button up rolled up to the elbows. On a normal night, we change into PJs right after walking through the door and eat on the couch with salad bowls balancing on our bellies. It was just really nice to go out together, and I think it's really good for our relationship.

So this the long way to say that I've been thinking about what it means to eat raw (again), and how it's impacting my life. A lot of good things have come out of it. I am happier, healthier, more energetic, in love with my skin. I am eating much, much better. There are downsides, too, though. I am hyper aware of everything I'm eating, which I don't think is necessarily a good thing. If I had a smoothie for breakfast, a big salad for lunch and fruit throughout the day, I don't want to feel guilty because I had some rice with dinner.

As we're nearing three months, I'm going to let go a little. Everything we make and eat at home will still be raw, but eating out will be flexible. It'll be an occasional treat, as we've never eaten out more that every couple of weeks, anyway, and of course it will always be vegan. But I'm going to stop obsessing over whether or not I've had a cooked meal within the month. I think this is more a change of my state of mind, rather than circumstances, because really, does it make a huge difference to eat a cooked meal every three weeks as opposed to four. Not really. But relaxing and being able to enjoy it instead of feeling like I'm "cheating" is important to me.

It's kind of difficult to talk about being less than perfect here in the open, but I want to create an honest narrative. Eating raw isn't always easy, and it does involve sacrifice, both gastronomical and social. I know that I will never be one of the raw gurus, but I'm okay with that. Health is the goal for me, not purity.

I think I'm also going to expand my horizons here a little and include s0me knitting content every once in a while. I used to have a knitting blog, but I only finish a project every couple of weeks or so. Makes for slow updates. Doing so opens me up to another world of controversy, though.

I knit with wool.

Wool is not considered vegan.

I consider myself vegan.

There, I've said it. I was a knitter prior to being a vegan, and it's the one thing I never gave up. There are very good reasons for opting to abstain from wool, which I will not recapitulate, but direct you here if you're interested.

But I am also a materials engineer with a focus on textiles, and I can tell you that the production of almost every fiber has significant ecological repercussions. Many so-called green fibers are terrible, bamboo and recycled-from-soda-bottle polyester being my biggest pet peeves. Also, science cannot replicate nature, only mimic it if it's lucky, and there is nothing like wool for it's insulative, wicking and shape retention properties. It's good stuff.

So bottom line: I'm really not raw and I'm really not a vegan. Glad we cleared that up.

-Eloise

Day 69

Scenes from a hike

I love this. For two days in a row, I've had comments that really make me think about the reasons and ramifications of being raw. I'm pretty consistent about responding directly to comments, but once again, I just have too much to say on the subject.

In response to yesterday's post, Jeremy of Stellar Path has asked:

Soup looks delicious. :) But my reason for this post - one thing that I've wondered - what made you decide to go raw and not just high raw? I certainly get the desire to eat a healthier diet; I'm just curious as to how you and Mad made the decision to completely eliminate cooked food (other than your one splurge meal a month) and not just cut back, so you could occasionally have cooked bread, etc.

I've been thinking about this all morning. Most diet books recommend a gradual transition into new habits and making small changes at a time to achieve success. I disagree. I believe in the power of grand gestures, jumping in feet first or not at all. It's like swimming. When the water is chilly, it's torturous to ease in one inch at a time. If you take the plunge, you'll be shocked for the first few minutes, but you'll acclimate a lot faster.

One of the moments that sticks out very clearly in my mind is from the first week or so of transitioning. I was at my weekend job, which is located in the basement of its building that is always freezing cold during the winter. I was eating a cold salad with a crappy vinaigrette (too much oil, far too little vinegar) and I was shivering and miserable. It sucked. It was definitely a low point in this journey, but I stuck with it, and it's gotten much, much better.

Going raw for us is not just about the food we eat. Certainly that's a large part of it, but it's a lifestyle change, a whole new approach to food. To get in the right frame of mind, everything had to go. Like Victoria Boutenko who smashed her family's microwave, I wanted a clean slate (Of course, I didn't actually smash our microwave. I'm hoping to sell it on Craigslist... but metaphorically, I was totally there).

I like having defined parameters that govern our eating habits. Walking into the grocery store, I immediately know what's going into my cart and what's off-limits. There's no quibbling about the bread, it just doesn't go into the cart. I frequently mention that we were junk food vegans, but it didn't start off that way. We used to eat pretty well, especially when Madeline and I were long distance. Like I was saying yesterday, I ate all organic and a decent amount of fruits and vegetables. I had my share of vegan ice cream, but overall I'd say I was pretty healthy.

Whenever Mad and I would see each other every few months, though, it was a time to indulge. We ate pastries for breakfast, made road trips to try amazing vegan restaurants that we'd read about online. Being together was a cause for celebration. I often returned home with my jeans a little tight, but that would remedy itself after a couple weeks on my normal schedule. The problem was that when we moved in together, our bad habits slowly followed. Two years later, we were 20 lbs heavier apiece and looking to make a change. We were already vegan and had cut out meat, dairy and eggs, so raw just seemed to make sense.

I didn't want to go high raw because I didn't want to give cooked foods the ability to edge their way back to the forefront. I mention bread often, because it's really what I miss the most, really great artisan bread. If we had it in the house, I would eat all of it. I just don't want to give myself that opportunity.

There are, of course, exceptions to every rule. I have an insatiable sweet tooth. Madeline, inexplicably to me, is not afflicted. Instead of focusing my energy on making dense, nut based desserts, I have a couple squares of extra dark chocolate a couple times a week, and this keeps me extremely satisfied. I've tried carob and I've tried raw chocolate. It's just not the same. I have a routine and a limit and it works out well. We also drink the occasional glass of wine. For me, it's a nice way to unwind at the end of a stressful day. I enjoy it, and I don't feel like I'm compromising my efforts by imbibing. I'm pretty sure that raw purists would heartily disagree, but although we eat 95-99% raw at home, I wouldn't consider myself a purist.

A few weeks ago, I was reading testimonials of people who have gone raw, and one said (and I paraphrase):

I used to have a great social life, but then I went raw and none of my friends wanted to hang out with me because I didn't want to go to restaurants or bars anymore, so I don't have friends but I've been raw for five years and I look and feel terrific!

Okay, they was more to it than that, but that's the message that came across to me. Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm a homebody. I work three jobs and go to school full time and at the end of the day, I really look forward to going home and getting into PJs. But when I can be coaxed out of my domestic sphere, I really want to enjoy the time I spend with my friends. In some cases, it's easy enough to order a salad or a fruit platter. In others, I wind up getting a cooked (but always vegan) meal. And as an occasional thing, I think it's good. Having friends and being social is another really important factor when it comes to health and well-being. I never compromise being vegan, because that's a moral and ethical stand for me, but raw is a lifestyle choice. It makes me happy to eat raw and it makes me happy to eat out with my friends. If it's been a while, Mad and I may chose to go out for a cooked meal, as well. I don't see that those things have to be mutually exclusive.

I hope that answers your question, Jeremy! In short, we wanted a big change, so it seemed logical for us to eat as close to 100% raw at home as possible. Your mileage may vary.

-Eloise

Day 61

See the new pink picture hanging out on the sidebar a little ways down the page? It's an award that bloggers can pass along to other bloggers that they enjoy, and I received mine from Autismom. The rules of accepting the award are to share seven things you love and pass it along to seven blogs you love to read. So here we go:

1. The family I've created for myself, meaning Madeline, our cats and our rabbit. I know that this is a bit of a cop out, but growing up gay, you sometimes come to realize that love can be conditional, and it's not something you can take for granted. Mad and I have gone through a lot in the 4 1/2 years we've been together, and I think it's important to stop and appreciate the life we've made for ourselves. It's a good one.

2. Knitting. My knitting hasn't made an appearance on the blog as of late, but I learned to knit when I was 16, and it's been an obsession ever since. Focusing on the repetitive motions is like meditation for me. It's funny, though, but in the past month I haven't been knitting as much, because I can't sit still for too long. Unless I'm eating or utterly exhausted, I feel the need to be up and doing something. Usually it's preparing food or cleaning the kitchen, which is good. i need to knit more, though.

3. Days off. For a while last semester, I was going to school or working seven days a week, which is a recipe for burning out. I've learned how important it is to take time for myself and to stop over committing.

4. The color yellow. It makes me happy.

5. Sunshine. The weather completely affects my mood and my level of motivation, and I have a lot of difficulty getting anything done on cloudy, rainy days, even if I'm indoors. I think people are solar powered.

6. Being domestic. It gives me a lot of pleasure to make a delicious, healthy meal, to vacuum the living room free of fur, to scrub the bathroom until it sparkles, to grocery shop and fill our fridges and cupboards. If it weren't for the fact that I'm in a non-traditional relationship, I'd be such a retro throw back, it would cease to be ironic. It's difficult to find the time sometimes and housecleaning is often the first priority to slip (because I don't really like scrubbing the toilet, I just like when it's been done), but I like a clean house and taking care of my family.

7. Blogging. I knew when I started that it would be helpful to me to record our progress, but it's really thrilling to know that my words are being read, that it's a journey that other people can share with me. Mad and I originally started this as a joint project, but as it turns out, she wasn't really interested and I became mildly obsessed. Whatever. She doesn't know what she's missing. :) I've also found that blogging helps me to focus on the highlights of my day. There are a lot of days that I feel overloaded by school and work, that I come home pissed off at the driver that cut me off, that I'm tired of doing the never ending load of dishes in the sink, a million different little things, but then I sit down to tell you all about the amazing dinner I made or the hike I took or the positive changes I'm noticing and it put things into perspective. Gratitude is a very unexpected side effect of blogging.

In no particular order, here are seven blogs that I've been reading frequently:

1. Becki 365
2. Green and Crunchy
3. Insubordiknit
4. A Baker's Dozen
5. Kristen's Raw
6. Stellar Path
7. Yarn-a-go-go

It's an eclectic list, some who share my passions and some whose lives are completely different than mine, not all of whom read my blog but I think it's a really interesting slice of the blogosphere (and of course, Autismom. Go check her out, though it would have been redundant to put her on the list).

-Eloise

Day 47: dulse is not bacon

What do you mean, we're out of kale?

The picture really has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but it's a funny one of Madeline and me from last week. We were in my school's library and if I recall, I was making some now forgotten emphatic point, and she was playing with Photobooth. We so rarely agree on photos of ourselves (one of us usually thinks it's the best picture ever! and the other wishes to immediately delete it from the memory card), so it had to be shared.

Last week, on a whim, I purchased dulse seaweed. I'm not sure, it seemed like a good idea at the time and it's really healthy for you. I wasn't sure what to make with it, though, and it sat in the cabinet, making everything smell like the ocean. Last night, Mad read the package which said that it could be used in place of bacon (!!!) and suggested making BLD (get it? like BLTs with dulse...heh) lettuce wraps for lunch today. So I obliged, even though I was not convinced and a small taste test did not assuage my concerns.

Verdict? Dulse tastes nothing like bacon. It was more like salty and slightly fishy lettuce and tomato. I couldn't finish, but luckily I had made myself a salad, as well, with the golden elixir dressing from The Raw Food Detox Diet. I like the dressing a lot, although I make it in half-batches because the first time I made it, it went rancid in the fridge in less than a week.

Lesson learned: dulse is not bacon and now I have to find another recipe for the rest of the package. Luckily, not all of my un-cooking is such an epic fail.

One of the things that Mad has really been struggling with since going raw is a lack of Indian food. Her parents are from India, and while I was raised on microwavable dinners, she had freshly made Indian food every night. It's fairly easy to eat Indian as a vegan, and after a few lessons from her mom, I was able to make some pretty decent daals. It hasn't been easy for her to maintain connections to her culture. Being gay and in a relationship with a white girl are huge obstacle. Not eating brown food is another huge blow.

So I went looking from some raw Indian meals. There's really not much out there, but I was fortunate to come across this blog of two Indian brothers, one of whom is raw and the other is high raw. Last night for dinner, I made their malai kofta recipe, which was quick, delicious, and most importantly, authentic tasting. My only deviation from the recipe was to substitute the coconut oil with 1/2 tb of olive oil and 1/2 tb raw shredded coconut, since I had none in the house. We're overdue for a trip to the local Indian grocery store. I'm inspired to rawify other curry recipes in the near future.

In sad news this week, we are out of kale. With all the green smoothies I've been drinking, I was consuming 6-10 cups of spinach and kale each day. Then Mad read something regarding spinach and the effect on the thyroid, which led me to research the small amounts of toxins in different greens. Of concern for both were oxalates. I'm not overly concerned because I am healthy and I don't have any conditions that would be aggravated by their ingestion, but it did underscore the importance of rotating greens for their different nutritional highlights. So I skipped my beloved kale and the big bag of spinach we usually buy in favor of romaine, turnip greens, collard greens and chard this week. Unfortunately, all except the romaine still contain oxalates, so next week I'll be looking for more variety. Should have done my research first, I suppose. It's not bad, but I had my smoothie recipe perfected and now I'm all thrown off. Chard, in particular, was difficult for me to make palatable. It's really, really salty. A lot of citrus was called for.

Other quick highlights: we have Egg (less) salad from Awesome Foods in the fridge for dinner tonight. I think we're really lucky to have this great raw food company local to us. We're able to buy the whole range of their products at our rockin health food store, but they deliver on Wednesday and if I wait until Saturday when I work in the city to stop in, their stock is already depleted. So we made a special trip to the store last night just to snag some egg (less) salad, which we've heard rave reviews about. After the dulse debacle, I'm super excited for dinner tonight!

-Eloise

The beginning

If you asked me five years ago if I would become a raw vegan foodist, the answer would have been an emphatic no. At the time, I was an omnivore who dabbled in vegetarianism (as in, I admired them, but lacked the commitment). But then, Madeline and I met, and one of the things that we shared was a love and respect for animals. Together, we became pescatarians, vegetarians, and then finally, three years ago, vegans.

It's always been about the animals, though, and within those parameters, we've always eaten whatever we wanted. Living together for the past year and a half has made matters worse. Left to our own devices, we have completely different eating habits. Maddie could eat the same thing day in and day out for months and never tire of it, so long as she sticks to a schedule and never feels hungry. I, on the other hand, get bored easily and like to experiment in the kitchen, but eat sporadically. Combined, we cook a lot, in large quantities, eat little throughout the day when we're at school and work and have heavy meals each night. The worst of both worlds. We've both gained more weight than we'd like and we definitely don't feel our best. The fried tofu and peanut butter cookies we make may be vegan, but they're certainly not healthy.

So about a month ago, we started talking about eating healthier, originally thinking about a regimented eating plan like Maddie used to eat. It sounded like torture to me. But then one night (literally, it was like 1am, we were in bed and had to get up early in the morning), Maddie pulled up sample menus from the Sunfood Diet Success System. Avocados, salads, coconut... it all sounded so good, and incredibly simple. We stayed up talking for hours, researching books to read, and decided that this was what we were going to do. We were going to be raw vegan foodists.

We didn't jump right into it, though. When we became vegan, it was a pretty quick transition, and every so often, we still say thing like, "I wish I could have tried xyz before." Maybe it's not very vegan of us, but we've never lapsed in our commitment. So we wanted to get into this raw thing without regrets. For the last month, we've been researching and reading, but most importantly, we've been on a farewell tour of our favorite cooked vegan foods. We have two final nights out planned for tonight and tomorrow, and then February 1st marks the first day of our raw life.

-Eloise